


yeah, you know you got to help me out. yeah, oh don't you put me on the backburner

by calthighway



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Denial of Feelings, Fluff, Love Confessions, M/M, Soft Ben, soft callum
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-30
Updated: 2019-06-30
Packaged: 2020-05-31 05:16:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,027
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19419223
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/calthighway/pseuds/calthighway
Summary: ben’s growing feelings for callum make him end things, but callum’s got other ideas





	yeah, you know you got to help me out. yeah, oh don't you put me on the backburner

He This wasn’t how things were supposed to be. Ben wasn’t supposed to start having feelings. He wasn’t sure he’d ever... _like_ someone after Paul. 

Then Callum came along and turned everything on it’s head. He came back to Walford to ruin his fathers life, not to fall for someone who he couldn’t even have.

For someone he could never have.

He should have learnt long ago that if you’re going to play with fire then you’re going to get burnt. He just never expected the burn to come so quickly and be so excruciating.

Callum scared Ben, and being scared wasn’t in Ben’s nature anymore. He’d grown up being scared, his whole life trying to be the son his dad wanted, and failing every time.

He wasn’t going to be a failure anymore.

*

The last week had been the eye opener for Ben. He’d witnessed first hand what Callum’s father was like, had seen the way Callum turned into a little boy all over again. 

Jonno was a nasty piece of work, but Ben’s childhood didn’t seem to be that far away from Callum’s own.

Ben had had a choice few words for Jonno, even a punch to the face after seeing the way he pinned his son up against the wall and threatening him in his face. Callum had begged for Ben to leave it, that he would make things worse, but Ben had saw red. His first instinct was to protect Callum and the small boy he used to be.

He just didn’t realise underlying feelings for Callum would come bubbling to the service and that playing games with Callum wasn’t working or worth it anymore.

He needed to end whatever it was they had started between them.

*

It was a few days later and Jonno had taken the wise decision to leave. Ben wasn’t sure if he was more happier with the news than Callum would have been. 

Ben had received a text from Callum, told him to meet him at the park. Ben wasn’t sure if this was the right time do it, but was there ever going to be right time to walk away?

The sun had gone down now, the summers day now turning into something cooler. Ben held his head as high as he could making his way over to Callum.

“Alright,” Ben greeted, he looked away at the sight of Callum smiling up at him nervously.

Callum had brought beers with him, passed one to Ben. “Wanted to say thank you,” Callum licked his lips. “For helping with my dad and that.”

Ben just focused on the warming beer in Callum’s hand. “It’s what mates do, init?” Ben smiled tightly.

Callum’s arm drops then, along with his face. He steps around the bench to come closer to Ben and he only stops when Ben moves away from him, his hands shoved in his jacket. “Have I done something wrong?”

Ben closes his eyes, should really rip into Callum right now for making this so hard. “I think we need to be just mates, ya know?” Ben looks up then, jaw tight.

“What?” Callum shakes his head. “We are mates anyway ya idiot,” Callum tries to laugh it off, but Ben can see the way his words are ticking over in Callum’s head.

“I mean- I need to leave ya be. Back off,” Ben shrugs his shoulders. “Stop wading in in your life. Your dad, Whitney. None of my business really, is it?” Ben chews slightly on his bottom lip. “You’re a big boy, ya don’t need a bodyguard.”

“But-“

“But nothing Callum. You’re getting what you always wanted,” Ben swallows. “Me out of your life.”

Callum frowns, his beautiful ears seem to stick out more than usual and Ben has to look away, kicks his feet into the grass beneath him.

“Things are different now, though.” Callum breathes, voice shaky.

“Are they really?” Ben looks up now, anger bubbling. “You’re still with Whitney. You’re still getting married.” Ben stretches his arms out wide. “I’m still left with nothing. Tell me, what’s so different, Callum?”

Callum looks at him blankly, his bottom lip wobbling slightly and Ben almost gives in, presses a thumb over his bottom lip until it stops.

“You’ve got me,” Callum tries. “I know I can’t give you what ya want, but I’m here and you’ve got me.”

“You think half an hour hiding away whenever you can get away is me having you, do ya?” Ben scoffs. “I get more out of a hook up,” Ben snaps, his words harsh and cutting.

“Don’t, alright... don’t say that,” Callum all but begs. Steps in closer and tries again. “I don’t want you to leave me alone.”

“And I don’t want to have to sit and watch you marry someone you don’t even really want, but we should be used to getting things we don’t want, right?”

“Please don’t give up on me,” Callum caves, doesn’t even care about the tears now streaming down his face. The thought of a life without Ben in it now crushes his insides to the point he can barely breathe.

“I’m not,” Ben says as strongly as he can, eyes shut. “I just can’t do this anymore.”

He turns then, intent on his words been final. He had made up his mind, no matter what his heart was telling him.

*

A few days pass and Ben focuses on Lexi, spends more time with his mum and brother. Ben tells himself every new day is getting better, easier. He’s gone through worse than this, and he’ll come out of it stronger just like every other obstacle he’s faced. 

Ben’s phone beeps, when he reads the message he’s not sure why he hasn’t blocked the number already:

_Cal_

_hi, please don’t ignore this... come 2 mine for 6pm? I’ll b waitin’_

Ben sighs, frustrated with himself for even contemplating it and letting himself smile a little. He doesn’t bother to reply, instead he deletes the message and spends the rest of the day thinking about what he’s going to do.

*

Ben turns up later than 6pm, one and a half hours after Callum told him to be there. He’d ridiculously spent more than half an hour choosing which shirt to wear. Then when he’d left his house he turned back twice, determined to be stronger and stick with what he had said he would do. 

Only, he was never really good at listening to the more sensible side of his thoughts. He rang the bell to Callum’s flat, Callum answers almost instantly before heading up to the stairs to the already opened door.

Callum stood by the kitchen counter, his face red and then Ben noticed the smell of food and the table set for two. A bloody candle placed in the middle. _The Killers_ played in the background, Ben bit down on his tongue to hide a large grin, he’d told Callum they were his favourite band a while back and he didn’t think he’d remember such a passing comment, but the thought ignites that feeling in his body that he was trying to get rid of.

“You came,” Callum breathes. “Talk about keeping me waiting,” Callum laughs a little, if just to fill the silence and try and fight through his nerves.

“You’re lucky I’m here at all,” Ben sniffs, knows it’s a ridiculous thing to say cause he’s the one who feels lucky right now. “Where’s the wifey?” He asks, trying to remain icy.

Callum looks down at his hands then, all the negative energy coming off Ben and from the guilt inside himself makes him want to hide away again. “Do we have to talk about Whitney?”

“So she’s not gonna come in any minute then and ask what’s going on?”

Callum shakes his head. “No, she’s away for the night.”

“And here I am,” Ben smirks. “Isn’t this romantic?”

“Ya can just go if ya really don’t want to be here,” Callum swallows. “I wanted tonight to be about us,” Callum licks his lips. “Wanted to prove to you that I’m not just messing ya about.” Callum finds his feet then when he notices Ben’s face soften. He moves around the kitchen counter to step in front of Ben. “I’ve even cooked ya favourite.”

Ben rolls his eyes cause he’s gone and remembered that too, but smiles when he catches Callum’s eye and Callum visibly lets out a breath, his shoulders relaxing when Ben removes his jacket and sits down at the set table. “Hurry up then. I’m starving.”

*

Ben hates himself and his feelings even more after dinner. The food was great and Callum’s beaming smile continued throughout the meal, making Ben remember why he tried to put that distance between them. 

Ben forgot where he was, his eyes on Callum through the meal, but then his surroundings are like a dagger. He sees the photo framed on the shelf first. Callum and Whitney together, Callum’s arm around her shoulder. Then there’s her shoes by the door, her coat on the hook.

Whilst Callum clears the plates Ben gets to his feet, “I’m gonna call it a night,” Ben draws Callum’s attention back to him. “Thanks for food.”

“What? No.” Callum wipes his wet hands on to his jeans. He frowns, “I thought we could watch a film.” He pulls at the zip on Ben’s jacket. “Thought ya could stay the night.”

“What, in your fiancés bed?” Ben bites, so fucking fed up now and everywhere he looks now just makes him think of... _them_.

Callum looks like a small child, his arms out wide. “I’m trying here, why you making it so hard for me?”

“I’m making it hard for you?” Ben pinches the bridge of his nose. “I didn’t realise you were a comedian, Callum. That’s just brilliant, really.”

“I don’t understand-“

“That’s ya problem, isn’t it? Ya don’t understand anything outside of your own selfishness.” Ben’s almost shouting now, spouting words he doesn’t even mean. Callum’s the least selfish person he knows, he’s the selfish one.

So selfish for just wanting Callum to be his and for all these feelings consuming his body to be worth it.

“Sorry,” Callum mumbles. “I’m not- I don’t-“ he huffs in frustration, words suddenly foreign to him and he just stands there willing himself not to fall. “I’m trying,” he whispers.

Ben shakes his head, tilts his head to meet Callum’s eye. “I’m sorry,” Ben frowns. “I didn’t mean that.” He comes closer. “It’s just... I _really_ bloody like you Callum and all this is hard, alright?” He looks around the flat. “Everything is yours and hers and I’m just-“

Callum shuts him up with a kiss, his arms snaking around his hips and pressing their bodies close. Ben looks up at him, his eyes soft and full of affection.

“And you’re just something else,” Callum hums against Ben’s lips. “Something so intoxicating and addictive.” Callum kisses him again. “Something I need and want.”

“I’m gonna fall in love with ya if you keep talking like that,” Ben sighs, not really thinking about what he’s saying. Callum’s breathing, body and hands all but consuming.

Callum’s eyes widen slightly. Ben falling in _love._ With him. The thought should scare him, he shouldn’t want that, all that he has should be enough, but he clings to Ben a little tighter, smiles when he sees the panic form in Ben’s eyes.

“We can make this work,” Callum decides to the change the mood slightly, doesn’t want Ben to have to worry or feel like he isn’t wanted. “I’ll make more time for ya,” Callum promises. “We can go somewhere the weekend. Just the two of us. Nothing else.”

Ben clings onto him, realises that what they have now is enough, it needs to be because it’s all they can have and this is better than nothing at all.

Ben nods up at him, pulls at Callum’s bottom lip with his teeth. “You soft touch.” Ben strokes at Callum’s cheek softly, the irony slipping away from him in this moment.

It really is just the two of them. Mind, body and soul.

**Author's Note:**

> you’ve got @your-eyes-can-be-so-cruell to thank for this with their thoughts for things we want but will never get.  
> also, come and say hi @calhighway on tumblr and let me know what you’s think! :)


End file.
